To what extent should we go to please our partners?
This was a central concern in a Reddit post about a woman who refused her husband’s request to cover up for his birthday party. The post, by a 22-year-old woman who has since deleted her Reddit account, went viral and sparked a discussion online about the objectification of women. Relationship expert Seth Eisenberg said Newsweek his thoughts on the situation and its warning signs.
In the post, the original author wrote that her husband asked her to wear a thong bikini to his birthday party by the pool so he could “show her off” to his friends. Although she felt uncomfortable with his request, she agreed to make him happy on his birthday. The situation unexpectedly changed when her husband asked her to change into something more modest after noticing how much attention she was getting from his friends during the party.
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The woman wrote in her post that she initially wore the thong bikini because she didn’t want to disappoint her husband on his special day. However, when he asked her to change after his friends arrived, she drew a clear line: “I told him I wasn’t going to change. That he wanted to see me in next to nothing, even if I didn’t want that, and that’s what he was going to get,” the poster added.
She wrote that after the guests left, the situation escalated into an argument, which left her with a “strange” feeling.
“Several critical problems”
The woman’s post caused a stir, receiving over 22,000 upvotes and widespread support for her response to her husband’s retraction.
“He wanted to show you off and he got it,” one person wrote. “He’s now learned a valuable lesson about controlling your clothing choices.”
“What OP (the original poster) just described is creepy and gross. I would cry if my partner tried to ‘show’ me off like that in front of his friends,” added another. “You need to have a big conversation about this.”
Seth Eisenberg, president and CEO of the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) Foundation, echoed the commenters. Eisenberg said the husband’s request that the author wear a thong bikini so he could “show her off” points to a troubling dynamic.
“This situation raises several critical issues that need to be addressed, particularly around respect, communication and partner appreciation dynamics,” Eisenberg said. “When the husband asked his wife to wear a thong at the pool so he could ‘show her off’ to his friends, he was treating her as an object rather than a partner.”
Eisenberg added that the husband needs to recognize the impact his behavior had on his wife. He gave an example to address this: “I now realize that my request to wear that thong was more about how I wanted to be seen by my friends than about what you wanted. I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings.”
The woman’s post also brought to light concerns about boundaries within relationships. Although the woman initially agreed to wear the revealing bikini, it was troubling that she felt pressured to do something she was uncomfortable with, Eisenberg said. The argument that followed, when the husband asked her to change into something more modest, revealed deeper issues in their communication, Eisenberg added.
“The power dynamic at play here is … disturbing,” he said. “The husband made a request that put his wife in a vulnerable position and then attempted to take it back when the consequences did not meet his expectations. This behavior undermines trust and respect within the relationship.”
Eisenberg said the author of the article and her husband should have an open dialogue about the situation. In order for them to move forward, it is important that they make decisions together that respect the needs of both partners and preserve their humanity, he added.
“The husband needs to understand that his wife is not an object to be put on display, but a partner with her own needs and autonomy,” Eisenberg said. “At the same time, the wife can express why it was important to her to express her point of view and how they can avoid similar conflicts in the future.”
Newsweek asked the poster for a comment via Reddit.
