A recent surge in foreclosures by the Criminal Assets Bureau of homes purchased with proceeds of crime has been a blow to criminals, showing them that in addition to punishment for their involvement in the illegal drug trade, they will not tolerate tacky interior design.
“Wall-to-wall Gucci logos as wallpaper? This is visual vomit, an assault on the eyes and we will not tolerate it any longer,” said a CAB member who handcuffed a drug dealer and his wife after they discovered that their seats were decorated with gold-covered royal-style thrones “for him and her.”
“It’s one thing to flood a needy community with drugs, but the real sin is to have all the money in the world and not the sense to hire an interior designer with a bit of taste,” said a disgusted Garda, using a hammer to work on a shower cubicle cast in the shape of a topless mermaid.
The home of Costigan crime family member Ross Rossiter Jr. was repossessed this morning along with several sports cars, but what will haunt him most is a possible two-year prison sentence for interior design violations.
“Fuck Yiz, Yin pigs, a hot tub with a curtain around it in the bedroom and a mirror above the bed is absolutely classy,” Rossiter Jr. said as he was escorted away by police this morning.
Due to the high number of optical attacks on the eyes of CAB personnel, calls have been made for the government to provide free courses in interior design for criminals on the streets and in prison.
