4. Classic Ray Bans.
5. A pair of shoes that cool people 20 years younger would think are cool, but where it’s not too obvious that he’s still striving to be cool 20 years after he should have gotten over the fact that he never would be.
6. Fancy sausages.
7. Are sweatpants still cool? If so, he would like the coolest ones, especially ones that go well with his new shoes.
8. Touching cards from each child that were not quickly written the night before, that have been really thought about, and that do not contain attempts at age-related or visually oriented humor.
9. A nutritious breakfast smoothie that will wow your taste buds and has a touching personal story behind its creation.
10. Rhu’s honey toast.
11. The freedom to read your book in bed for at least an hour without your partner leaning over to show you “funny” videos.
12. The freedom to lie in the bathtub for at least an hour without anyone coming in and asking why they look so fat.
13. Something that makes him believe that his best years are not yet behind him.
14. A kind of confirmation that his jokes are funny and always have been.
15. A scalp massage.
16. Lunch at Peach’s Hot Chicken.
17. No pressure to play physically demanding games, especially on the trampoline.
18. Dinner at Peach’s Hot Chicken.
19. Duck Island Pecan Butterscotch Ice Cream (Pam’s for everyone else).
20. Suggesting that a trip to New York City or Japan is an option. He knows it’s too tight right now and probably not forever, but you give him hope.
21. Some kind of family theatrical/dance/musical performance honoring and paying tribute to him, properly written and rehearsed.
22. Full control over all music players all day long.
23. If he wants to go on a family trip, and there is no guarantee that he will be able to do it, everyone should go without complaining, and he should not help anyone find shoes or socks, including his own.
24. Don’t ask why he’s staying in the bathroom for so long, no matter how long he’s been there or how many times he’s gone.
25. A weird but not unnecessarily weird craft beer, preferably with a wacky drawing of something offensive on the can.
26. Luxury chocolate made with special ingredients or a process that makes it unique and which is not readily available in local shops, even the good ones.
27. Never experience disorder or conflict or other things that remind you of the chaos of everyday life.
28. An electronic line locator that he can occasionally point at himself and say, “Oh, look, it works.” (Keep the receipt.)
29. The $20 popcorn they sell at Farro.
30. GPS tracking tag(s) for as many things as he regularly loses.
31. A consultation with a counselor, mentor or coach who may be able to shape him into the person he always wanted to be – especially the person who can one day afford a trip to New York or Japan.
12 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT TELL YOUR FATHER ON FATHER’S DAY
1. Anything you think will make him laugh.
2. Everything that has to do with whisky and is not whisky.
3. Any book that could be made into a movie starring Tom Cruise.
4. A polo shirt.
5. Fragrances of any kind.
6. Crocs/Birkenstocks/Allbirds.
7. An Apple Watch or other “wearable” reminder of his mortality.
8. Anything described as “retro.”
9. A VR headset.
10. An expensive pen.
11. Soap/skincare with male branding (or anything with male branding).
12. One of those electronic massagers that looks like a vibrator (or anything that looks like a vibrator).
