Now, five episodes into the season, we’re also five episodes into a new feud between Katie and Heather—well, Katie, anyway. Heather only found out about this feud last week, and while she was surprised, now that she knows, she’s ready to get into it. When she tells Terry about the unexpected return of the paparazzi affair, he says, “I like it when paparazzi take pictures of me, so if Katie knows a number I can call to get paparazzi to take pictures of me, I want that number.” That’s a great point…if the Dubrows could wave a magic wand (like the ones you find at Disneyland, for example) to summon paparazzi, we’d get new photos of them on a daily basis.
She gets into this new argument with Gina and Jenn over Galentine’s Day face masks that make them look like C-3PO. It turns out that Katie had told Gina this gossip months ago, before the two even met at Sutton’s Christmas party – which is said to have been the inciting incident of this whole feud. But what bothers Heather the most is that Gina kept it a secret from her this whole time. It was a difficult balancing act for Gina, but I understand some of her logic. In December, before the cameras turned on, it seemed best to just ignore it and hope the gossip died down. But once Katie said it on camera, it was too late and it quickly exploded in Gina’s face – so she wastes no time apologizing to Heather.
Despite this, Gina is still caught in the middle (Katie and Heather), both of whom have a problem with her not being sure. While Heather feels like she didn’t warn her, Katie feels like Gina sent her into the lion’s den and then abandoned her. She wishes she had been more neutral when it mattered, but Gina is very quick to admit that when it comes down to teams, she’s on Team Heather. Gina isn’t stupid, and she’s not going to throw away her friendship with a host of the show – especially one who flies her around in private jets.
Meanwhile, Shannon has lunch with her father, Gene the Machine. During this time, we learn that she needs to get a car with a breathalyzer built in. At this point, this technology should be required on all Real Housewives’ vehicles… and some of their phones. She also tells her father about the John Janssen lawsuit, but says the money was a gift, not a loan. Gene advises fighting back, whatever the cost, but that’s easier said than done, especially considering how much the Jim Bellino lawsuit cost her.
Speaking of the Bellinos, Alexis invited Tamra over to her house, a phrase I couldn’t have imagined ten years ago. But she insists that this is a whole new Alexis. Is that her? Or is this Alexis just useful for Tamra’s crusade against Shannon? It seems to be the latter, as Tamra says Shannon should pay John back for her facelift. But a facelift is clearly a gift, not a loan. Even Jax Taylor is more gallant. He hasn’t asked Brittany to pay him back for the breast augmentation he bought her (yet). Own up!
And as if things couldn’t get any worse for Shannon, she has to break the news to Vicki that she apparently won’t be able to travel to Mexico for ten years because of her drunk driving. Vicki, as we all know, is the queen of Puerto Vallarta, so this is a devastating development. She has to go through the stages of grief, the first of which is denial, and her immediate reaction is to suggest to Shannon that they just drive to San Diego and sneak across the border into Mexico. I think Vicki just figured out how to get Mexico to pay for a wall.
Speaking of walls, the fourth one comes down when Tamra comes to dinner wearing the exact same outfit Gina wears to her confessionals, which she exclaims right there at the table. Usually, confessionals are an unspoken, mysterious dimension, but now we’ve said it!
After a quick trip to Jerusalem to avoid an awkward seating plan, Vicki walks in and we finally get to see her reunite with Alexis in a spine-tingling moment. “Look who’s in my world now,” Alexis tells her, an artful reference to Vicki saying something similar to her back when she first came on the show—and I bet that line was whispered to her by her producer, Tamra. “I’m in her world? Sit down, bitch,” Vicki counters, quickly setting the tone for dinner. She then encourages Shannon, who isn’t driving, to order a drink—to which Tamra yells across the table, “Oh yeah, an alcoholic should drink.” The room goes so quiet you could hear Lynne Curtin’s cuff drop.
The artists, formerly known as Tres Amigas, then argue across the table about whether or not Shannon is an alcoholic. We’d seen this conversation start, mostly behind Shannon’s back, but it’s shocking to see it come to the surface like this, at a dinner with all the cast, as if she wasn’t even there. When she chimes in and says that every morning when she wakes up she thinks about what happened, Tamra counters, “Is that after you’ve had a drink?” It’s so cruel, even for Tamra, that Gina and Emily have to jump in to defend Shannon.
Tamra has chosen to be an out-and-out supervillain this season. Over the years, we’ve seen her villainous nature, which is almost always a conscious choice, ebb and flow depending on what kind of season she’s trying to create. But this year, she’s decided to be as evil as humanly possible. It’s almost admirable that she’s willing to make herself look terrible for the good of the show, because the result, as I’m sure she knows, is great television. Then, at the reunion, she’ll hit the reset button and tearfully apologize for how terrible she was, in part after seeing that the audience was mostly on Shannon’s side, and then she can repeat the play next year.
By then, this tough stance also leads to arguments between her and Vicki – ah, more nostalgia! Vicki is mad at Tamra for treating Shannon like that, but as we learned last week, Tamra’s exit from her live show also stands between Vicki and her pocket (an unforgivable offense). Vicki calls her a traitor, referring to the show Tamra went to film right after Shannon’s drunk driving, and in return, Tamra says, “I’m not a traitor, I’m a believer. I just decided to vote you both out.” The synergy gods are smiling down on Tamra Judge.
As the accusations continue to fly across the dinner table, Shannon finally has enough and tries to storm out. You know how people’s last names used to indicate their profession? Like carpenter and butler, for example. Well, Shannon’s maiden name is also a professional name, because she storms out of every room she’s ever been in. But before she can live up to that name, Alexis chimes in about the money John accuses her of owing. But when Alexis pulls out the wire transfer receipts, she makes a fatal mistake and says, “He was generous enough to give her the money.” Did you hear that? Give…not lend! Your Honor, the defense is complete.
As Shannon leaves, Vicki and Tamra argue like two parents with different ideas about what their child needs. Vicki says Shannon needs love, but Tamra says only love will give her that. Meanwhile, Heather, who I almost forgot about at that dinner, encourages Alexis to slow down. She says Alexis should let everyone get to know her for who she is, rather than as a replacement for John Janssen. And while Heather is talking about the cast, I think the same applies to the audience. Although I didn’t like Alexis at all during her first appearance on the show, I was excited to see her again. I thought we would see a new, interesting side to her now that she’s free of Jim Bellino and the mother of a transgender son. But so far, all we’ve seen is this feud, and the slapstick is getting tedious.
