Welcome back to FTW’s Drink of the Week series. Here we mainly cover and review beers, but we’re happy to expand that scope to include any drink (or food) that pairs well with exercise. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
I’ll be honest. I understand the Yellowstone phenomenon. I’m not part of it.
I’m sure I’d enjoy the show. I’m excited about Kevin Costner’s comeback and his turn as the quasi-historian of America, who comes across like a beefy, gruff Ken Burns. But I tend to binge on prestige dramas long after they’re relevant. The first time I saw even a single episode of The Sopranos, for example, was probably 2013.
This is all just a long preamble to tell you: No, I don’t really understand why Costner makes specially formulated blends for Green Mountain Coffee Roasters. Or why he chose the very atypical brewing technique of K-Cups.
All I know is that this media package contained the most absurd and beautiful promotional item I have ever received. Behold, the coffee holster:
Although it looks like a thong covered in Keurig glitter, it’s actually an extremely ornate piece of leatherwork (shout out to Hellbound Leather Co., who apparently made it) designed to hold a travel mug and small cartridge belts of individually packaged coffee. Plus, even in the tightest setting, it’s big enough that I could hula hoop in it:
Unfortunately, this will ruin my chance to be “the dad nobody wants to talk to at the bus stop” next school year. But it’s very nice.
Anyway, the coffee. We’re here to talk about the coffee. Costner has two blends with Green Mountain; a dark roast of the Horizon Blend and a Mountainside Mocha Latte. Each features a stoic Costner holding a tin mug (ooooh, so close) and looking out into the wilderness. There are plenty of plateaus and forests, making it seem like Costner might have made enough money to live in a Bob Ross painting.
Truly the American dream.
Let’s see how they taste.
Mountainside Mocha Latte: C? B? D? Man, I don’t know
The first thing I notice when brewing a cup is the coffee grounds shooting out of the bottom of my Keurig coffee maker just before the coffee itself flows out. Hmm. The latte is much darker than I first expected, but then gets lighter as the end of the cup promises creamier flavors.
I forego my usual Splenda/milk/protein powder that I add to my morning coffee. I also take a 230ml mug, elegantly inlaid in Created’s Paris Olympics-themed collaboration with Steve Wolf and La Marzocco. Timely!
It has a distinct smell of roasted wood and wood, but it doesn’t taste particularly like coffee. It’s not particularly appealing, but there’s a slight sweetness hidden in it, mainly from dark cocoa nibs.
This sweetness lingers until the first sip, but the woody flavor is also noticeable. The description on the pack lays the groundwork for “earthy” flavors and a “creamy” mouthfeel, and I would say both goals are achieved.
Is this mocha for cowboys? A safe bet that you can enjoy a sweet, classy coffee drink if there’s a little bit of dirt in it? It’s good and a little gross at the same time, in a weird way that keeps me coming back, trying in vain to figure out if I like it or not.
It also feels a little salty under its latte thickness. Okay, I’ll see if that’s a “my” problem and make a less concentrated version by pouring the whole thing into a larger cup with more water.
Mountainside Mocha Latte from a larger cup: C+
This one smells the same even though it was brewed without the dusting of pre-brewed coffee grounds, which seems to be an improvement. However, diluting it with a 16-ounce Keurig brewed coffee makes a noticeable difference in the flavor. The earth tones are less pronounced, but so is the creaminess.
So how much you like Mr. Costner’s Log Splitter Latte depends on how well you tolerate that earthy, woody flavor. It actually tastes like the coffee you’d get at a fancy ranch, because it feels like it was brewed through a cedar slab rather than a coffee filter. There’s a slight salty taste left toward the end that’s not off-putting, but noticeable.
That’s not a problem. I can drink it. It’s just a little weird for a latte.
Horizon Blend Dark Roast: A-
This immediately smells better than the Mocha Latte, a rich, dark roast that smells like coffee. I don’t want to sound too Folgers-y, but this is the smell I imagine when I think of something that can wake me up.
The coffee is medium dark, I added a packet of Splenda and some 2% milk. And I went back to the Paris 2024 ceramic mug from Created and La Marzocco because they are very nice mugs and the coffee rings on my desk suggest that deep down I may be a saucer person.
That richness carries over into the flavor. There’s a nice latent acidity working beneath the surface, creating clean, fresh sips of warm, roasted coffee. It’s not particularly bitter—though again, I’ve got a little milk and sugar(ish) in there. Although Horizon Blend leans toward the darker end of the coffee spectrum, it’s still approachable for a relative coffee novice like me. If you dig deep, there’s a little chocolate in there and some of the earthiness that characterizes Costner’s lattes, but most of all, it just tastes like a proper cup of coffee.
