My birthday is coming up. You should know that I’m happy to accept gifts like good rum or cheap beer. I’m also willing to make room on my bookshelf for a good read.
And for all of you loyal readers who may own a vacation home in the Caribbean, I love the sun, the sand, the crystal clear water… and tiki drinks. You can also contact Billy Napier. He’ll need a vacation destination.
The real gift, however, is giving back, which is why I’m handing out preseason gifts before kickoff.
Here is my gift list:
Greg Sankey: A pennant of the UNC Tar Heels.
Jim Harbaugh: A vinyl copy of “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer.
Lincoln Riley: A good real estate agent.
Kirby Smart: A better fourth left guard.
Steve Sarkisian: A healthy running back.
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Brett Yorkmark: A long weekend in Tijuana.
Paul Finebaum: A one-week break from his callers.
Sam Pittman: A two-week vacation in Yellowstone National Park, which I’ve heard is supposed to be beautiful in October.
Clark Lea: A three-week holiday in Portugal, which I hear is supposed to be wonderful in November, and there isn’t a construction crane to be seen anywhere.
Billy Napier: A month-long vacation in the Virgin Islands, which I’ve heard are supposed to be beautiful in December.
Kalen DeBoer: A dinner with pike-perch.
Nick Saban: A good caddy.
Butch Jones: An appearance as Saban’s intern on “College GameDay.”
Hugh Freeze: A plaque commemorating his 2-4 (almost 3-3!) record against Saban.
Jimbo Fischer: A podcast with Saban called “Nothing But Narcissists.”
Mike Elko: Fisher’s contract.
Lane Kiffin: A copy of Wisdom and Things, co-authored by Blake Toppmeyer.
Jeff Lebby: A copy of “Swing Your Sword” by Mike Leach.
Mario Cristobal: A copy of “The Art of Kneeling”.
Bobby Petrino: A helmet.
Mike Norvell: A B1G t-shirt.
Daniel Lanning: Adidas shares to balance his portfolio.
Dabo Swinney: A coffee date with Tyler from Spartanburg.
Josh Heupel: Beer with Bob Stoops.
Brian Kelly:Dance lessons with Kim Mulkey.
Shane Beamer: A happy Gatorade bath after the season opener against Old Dominion.
Mark Stoops: Kentucky basketball season tickets.
Pat McAfee: A muzzle.
Robert Griffin III: A job at FOX.
Sam Ponder: A job at OutKick.
Kirk Herbstreit: A meet-and-greet with Phil Mickelson, his egotistical counterpart.
Stephen A. Smith: A candlelight dinner for two with Saban.
Jalen Milroe: A Heisman Trophy.
Carson Beck: A trip to New York City to see Milroe win the Heisman Trophy.
Garrett Nussmeier: A defense.
Nico Iamaleava: A defense.
DJ Lagway: A red zone package.
Quinn Ewers: A signed Arch Manning trading card.
Jaxson Darts:Pickleball lessons.
Florida fans: A trainer search.
Eliah Drinkwitz: A call from Florida.
Oregon fans: A United Airlines gift card.
UCLA fans: Earmuffs and a scarf.
Alabama fans: A playoff party.
Auburn fans: A book signing.
Vanderbilt fan: A ticket to a fall baseball game.
Tennessee fans: A 44-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew, canned by Pilot.
Texas A&M fans: A win against Texas.
Texas fans: A win against Oklahoma.
Oklahoma fans: Directions to Memphis, home of the Liberty Bowl.
Ole Miss fans: Directions to Atlanta.
Georgia fans: A victory parade celebrating UGA winning the Fulmer Cup.
Athens-Clarke County Police:Overtime pay.
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network’s SEC columnist. Email him at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter @btoppmeyer.
Subscribe to read all his columns. Also listen to his podcast SEC Football Unfiltered., and newsletter, SEC Unfiltered.
This article originally appeared in the Knoxville News Sentinel: College Football: Gifts to Nick Saban, Lane Kiffin, Billy Napier
