DEAR MRS MANNERS: I am marrying a wonderful man after being together for three years.
He has a sister and a brother. I have two sisters. All of our siblings will be at our wedding reception.
However, one person is left out: my fiancé’s brother, Max, has a long-time girlfriend, Jenna. The two have been together since high school and have been together for almost 10 years.
Jenna is very smart, funny and ambitious. We usually get along very well. I consider her part of my fiancé’s family and would love to include her in the wedding party.
However, my mother and fiancé have concerns about this.
My mother doesn’t like the idea because she thinks it’s inappropriate to bring someone into the family who hasn’t “married into the family.”
My fiancé isn’t keen on the idea because Jenna hasn’t been very supportive since we got engaged. She’s never congratulated us and stays silent when we talk about wedding plans.
I think it’s because she and Max have been together for so long and it bothers her a little that we’re getting married before them. I don’t blame her.
She hasn’t been very nice about it, but excluding her from the wedding reception isn’t going to create warm feelings between us. I think if she were to come to the wedding reception, she would feel more included and we could get closer.
DEAR READER: Would you rather have a generous gesture of inclusion as a footnote to your wedding or a petty retaliation because someone didn’t show enough enthusiasm? Miss Manners would certainly not have thought this a difficult question.
DEAR MRS MANNERS: I would be interested to hear your thoughts on the ubiquity of online requests for donations after a death.
These opportunists are rarely the immediate relatives, but rather supposedly well-meaning friends or relatives who ask for help on their behalf.
One fundraiser was to raise $20,000 for the grieving widow. The platform displays an “honor roll” showing who donated what amount. Apparently donors can remain anonymous (though most don’t want to) while still displaying their donation amounts.
It seems somewhat insulting to both the deceased and their relatives to publicly suggest that the deceased had not prepared for this eventuality and had irresponsibly left their loved ones destitute.
I am a generous person and have donated my money and/or time to many causes, often significant amounts. But this money-making, often just hours after a death, seems very distasteful to me.
In these cases, I choose not to donate through the public platform, but instead offer my condolences. Occasionally, when the need was obvious, I have sent a private donation directly to the primary mourner.
I am happy with this approach. But what do you say about using these online platforms?
DEAR READERLeaving aside legality, ethics and good taste – which, as Miss Manners has noted, seems to be common practice – the question of etiquette is: under what circumstances may someone else make such a request on behalf of the principal mourner?
It must conclude that this cannot be done at a time of enormous suffering. In a perfect world, this would put an end to the practice.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners through her website at www.missmanners.com, to her email address [email protected], or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
