Dear Eric: My husband and I do not want any material birthday or Christmas presents for our children, who are 1½ and 4 years old.
We would appreciate it if you would donate to their 529 accounts or “experiences”. We still plan to host birthday parties with decorations and cake.
Giving gifts on certain days seems like an obligation to us, and even well-behaved children come to expect them over time. We would rather give gifts all year round and consider this a sign of maturity.
We face extreme reactions from family members. My mother grew up in a culture where birthdays were not celebrated, so she always wanted to make a big deal out of her grandchildren’s birthdays.
My husband’s family is very traditional. We had a huge Christmas debacle years ago when we asked not to receive gifts as we were living abroad at the time. We were given a lavish gift card and decided to return it on principle, but it wasn’t a pretty sight afterward.
Should we blindly follow traditions just to keep the peace? Are we bad parents if we try to avoid materialism and change expectations around gifts? Should we continue to allow people to give gifts on their terms just to make them happy? But if we let everyone do what they want, when they want, how can we incorporate our views into raising our children in the way we think is best?
– Current outliers
Dear runaways: In your desire to be a responsible parent – which is commendable – you may also try to enable your parents to educate their children.
What can you control in this situation and what do you need to control? Your children, especially the youngest ones, are still young enough that if a grandparent comes by with a wrapped package, you simply don’t have to give it to them or you can save it for another time other than their birthday, depending on your parenting style.
I fear this is more about family dynamics than parenting, given the gift card debacle that happened before the kids were born. Part of it is about principles, but just as much about seeing the relationships for what they are and communicating from a productive perspective.
Trying to get your family’s full approval will not get you anywhere. You’ve set the limit, so stop arguing with them about it. Focus on what’s possible.
Given all these parameters, are your parents clear about when they should give material gifts? If it’s never the case, that’s fine. However, if there’s an opportunity to give them something during the year, tell them exactly when.
Dear Eric: I had a very close relationship with my father until he remarried when I was in my mid-20s.
When he remarried, he told my brother and I that we would be cut from his trust fund. He explained that he had raised us and would no longer support us financially.
Since then, our relationship has been at times superficial, at times full of conflict. Over the past few decades, his wife has manipulated him and alienated him from all other family members.
He is now 82, in poor health, and has been relegated to a care facility by his much younger wife. He expects me to help him with many tasks, such as transporting him to medical appointments. I live an hour away and still have my own children at home to care for.
My resentment is preventing me from wanting to help him. How can I come to terms with setting boundaries to protect myself and deal with the guilt that comes with that? How can I let go of my resentment so I can find peace when he dies?
– Taken for granted
Dear Granted: Guilt is often the last resort of a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions or desires. Remember, this is someone who is not communicating fairly or clearly with you.
However, this does not have to be your inheritance.
Now is the time to have an honest conversation about how your relationship has changed, the impact it has had on you, and what you are currently doing to protect yourself.
He may never be ready for that conversation. But you need to speak your mind, respect your boundaries without regret, and ask your questions while you have the chance.
You can’t change the past – the way your relationship deteriorated, your feelings about trust, the anger with his wife. You can’t change him either – his expectations, his cruelty or coldness.
Also, it’s not your job to fix the problems he’s created. Where is his wife? What happened to the trust funds? He may have been a victim of senior financial abuse. There are resources for him, the Department of Health’s Eldercare Locator (800-677-1116). You can show him a solution while maintaining your boundaries.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
