A man who turned to the internet for advice after being bitterly disappointed by his girlfriend’s birthday present may be more confused than ever as commenters couldn’t agree on who was in the wrong.
And a relationship expert said Newsweek that the point here is that “the consideration of one is the expectation of the other”.
The man, who did not give his name but writes on Reddit under the username u/ApprehensiveSlip8059, took to the subreddit r/AITAH on August 22, seeking help on how he and his girlfriend could move on after an argument.
He said that he and his partner, both 20 years old, have been together for a year and that he had recently celebrated a birthday. On the evening of the birthday, his girlfriend gave him his “surprise” birthday present, which turned out to be herself in a new lingerie set, which he was initially delighted about.
But after they “joked around,” he realized that this was his only gift.
“This bothered me and seemed like a lame excuse for a gift from someone I’ve been dating for a year,” he wrote in the post.
He said it felt like she “bought something for herself and said it was a gift for me.” And he was upset because he had taken her out to dinner for her birthday, which cost over $200.
Certified etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts said Newsweek that the “most important rule when giving gifts is to be thoughtful.”
“When expectations are not met, disappointment often follows. There is a sense of taking in giving,” she said. “It’s never about the price or the extravagance, but rather the intention and thought behind the gift.”
Although the man felt he had a right to be upset that she had given him new lingerie for his birthday, he acknowledged that he may have gone too far when he asked her, “So if we break up, can I keep this and give it to my next date?”
Relationship expert Nicole Moore, inventor of the Love Works method, said Newsweek She said the man was “definitely wrong to get angry” and pointed out the “poor etiquette of receiving gifts” when criticizing the gift or comparing the monetary value of gifts.
While she acknowledged that he probably felt “undervalued” and that he was “entitled to his feelings,” she said he “had no right to project them onto his girlfriend and make her feel guilty” and make her feel bad.
In the subreddit, the man asked: “AITA (Am I the a******) for not being thrilled with my girlfriend’s birthday present?”
Unfortunately, respondents couldn’t come to a firm agreement. Some joked about the gift itself, and one wrote, “Does it suit you?”
“He should have asked her if he could wear it instead of saying ‘break up with her’,” another user wrote, while one added, “We definitely need a photo of him wearing it.”
Another user avoided the question of who was right or wrong, but offered this advice: “Keeping scores is a sign of resentment. Nothing destroys a relationship more than resentment, walls, defensiveness and criticism.”
One said the comment was “a bit over the top,” while another said his gift of dinner to her was similar to her gift of sexy lingerie to him.
“He didn’t buy her a real gift for her birthday. Eating out is something they both share so she’s just returning the favor,” the user wrote.
Another agreed, writing: “I really don’t see how your gift was any different from hers. Surely you eat together all the time? So going to a fancy restaurant takes the experience up a few notches. She did the exact same thing for you with the underwear.”
Viktoria Korobova/Getty Images
One user warned: “If you don’t appreciate your girlfriend dressing up in lingerie as a birthday present, then another man surely will.”
However, some took the man’s side. One wrote that while the lingerie was “a bit of fun,” it “definitely shouldn’t be the most important thing when it comes to gift-giving.”
Moore agreed that both the man and his girlfriend had given each other “experience gifts,” which for many is a valid form of gift-giving.
“If the original writer is not a fan of gifts that involve shared experiences and would prefer his girlfriend to give him something that is all his, he should have communicated his preference to his girlfriend at a later date without criticizing her gift,” she said.
“The bottom line is that the only right thing you can do in the moment when you receive a gift is to thank the giver and be grateful for the effort they made to get it for you,” she said.
According to statistics, money problems are one of the most common reasons for relationship or marriage failure, according to Marriage.com. Infidelity, poor communication skills, and lack of emotional connection are also listed as common reasons for relationship failure.
Newsweek asked u/ApprehensiveSlip8059 on Reddit for comment.
Have you noticed any warning signs that have caused you to end a relationship? Let us know at [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice and your story could appear in Newsweek.
