To our readers: The Oklahoman’s 20-40-60 Etiquette column ends with this column. Thank you all for your support of Lillie-Beth, Callie and me over the years and for asking us brilliant questions that we could answer. We’ve covered so many topics that spanned different eras, from traditional etiquette to issues of modern technology, as well as different generations affected by different concerns. We’ve had a great time working together since 2008, when Callie was not yet 20, Lillie-Beth was almost 40 and I was in my 60s. In the future, just remember to mind your manners. You can win friends and influence people by being polite! And thank you for reading 20-40-60 Etiquette all these years.
— Helen
ASK: A guest at a party my husband and I hosted asked for a specialty drink that wasn’t on the menu. It wasn’t on the menu because we didn’t have all the necessary ingredients. Was it rude of the guest to ask? And should we always offer our guests good brands of liquor, beer and wine or can we serve cheaper bottles?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: I think this is all your responsibility as a host. It wasn’t rude of your guest to ask, but it was also OK that you didn’t have what they wanted.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: It’s your party. You don’t have to set up a full bar or offer the most expensive bottles. You set the mood and budget for the type of party you’re hosting. So if it’s an upscale dinner party, you can be thoughtful about what alcoholic beverages you serve. In that case, you might want to have nicer brands of alcohol. A backyard barbecue will have a different mood and you’ll probably have different alcoholic beverages to choose from.
Many events today offer specialty cocktails that fit the theme. Perhaps the guest who asked for something that wasn’t on the menu thought you would offer a full bar in addition to a specialty cocktail. Also note that it’s good to offer non-alcoholic options as well.
No matter what message you’re trying to convey and how much thought you’ve put into that message, there will always be someone who will interpret it differently and surprise you, and it sounds like that guest interpreted your menu list differently than you intended. It’s OK that your guest asked for it. It’s also OK if you don’t have the alcohol they asked for. I think the guest felt just as uncomfortable as you did not having something. I wouldn’t worry about it, but if you feel like you need more, you can also learn more about setting up a full bar next time. Ask an experienced bartender or party planner for advice. I know I would have to.
It’s difficult – and can be expensive – to cater to everyone and accommodate all the different tastes. Making cocktails is an art and complicated, and you can listen and learn from the experts and then decide what fits the theme and your budget.
HELEN’S ANSWER: Your guest probably made a mistake by ordering a drink that wasn’t offered. Finding the necessary ingredients for a specialty drink that isn’t offered takes extra time and wastes other guests’ time. Yes, you should have quality brands on hand for your guests if you don’t know what they like to drink. Order more than you think you need. Sometimes liquor stores will take back unopened bottles. A man I know always asks guests what their preferences are and gets exactly what they like. He’s considered a great host!
GUEST ANSWER: Kathy Walker, community leader: It appears that you and your husband made a list of special cocktails that you had on display at the bar for the party. Perhaps you could have noted on it that these were the “available” cocktails for the party.
From the content of your question, I assume you also had mixed drinks, beer, wine, and soft drinks available. I can’t say if it was rude of your guest to ask for a drink that wasn’t on the menu. If that guest had asked for a martini with olive or lemon and you didn’t have any vermouth on hand, I wouldn’t call that rude. Perhaps you could have said you were out of vermouth and suggested a vodka and tonic. Depending on tastes and interests, it’s nice to also serve your guests the brands of liquor, beer, and wine that you and your husband like.
However, if you and your husband are having a big party, it’s always a good idea to create a budget for the entire evening and then take into account what the cost of alcohol will be. In this case, you’ll want to serve what fits within your budget.
Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have been writing this column on generational etiquette since 2009. Each week we also receive guest contributions from a wide range of age groups. Many years later, Callie is over 20, Lillie-Beth over 40 and Helen over 60.
