The political divide in this country has never been wider. Americans are split into two opposing groups, and there seems to be no hope of ever bridging that divide. Our family, like many others, has been at each other’s throats debating every aspect of domestic policy for the past few years. For the sake of our sanctity, we made a conscious decision to forbid discussion of it in our sacred home, as it was destroying the fabric of our lives. But the downside of rejecting that discourse is that our house is so quiet we can hear our lame neighbor Glen trying to play guitar, and it makes me want to jam a fork into my eardrums.
There’s only one thing scarier than reading about how a vote for one political party could lead us into World War III, while a vote for the other would usher in an elected dictator who would strip us of our rights. And that’s Glen trying to play “Smoke on the Water” for the millionth time. So, dude, music isn’t for everyone, please stop. We’re begging you. At least we can hope for a quick death in total nuclear annihilation, which is more than we can say after listening to Glen.
Our kids finally convinced us to stop worrying so much about party politics because, in their opinion, we spend more time arguing than “taking care of their basic needs.” If that’s what they want, that’s fine – but now I guess we’ll have to sit at the dinner table every night in silence with nothing to say to each other while we’re forced to listen to Fuckface next door absolutely wrecking his Gibson.
With the election approaching, which many experts say will be the most important of our lifetimes, it is important to tune out the voices that seek to divide us as a nation and try to unite us. Otherwise, everything we hold dear could crumble and disappear.
But hey, if our worst fears come true and 2024 becomes known as the year fascism finally takes hold in this country, maybe they’ll ban supposed artists like Glen and send him to a re-education camp in North Dakota, which might be a reasonable concession for never having to hear his so-called power chords again.
