When a friend disappears after financial help

Dear Eric:

I am a 33-year-old man with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have a friend, “Katie,” who has been a huge part of my life for the past few years. I have been a mentor and friend to her three little boys, and she has been a good friend to me in return.

Katie suffers from severe anxiety (she considers herself neurodiverse and possibly high functioning autism). She was recently facing eviction from her apartment and my dad made sure Katie could stay in her apartment.

Katie received more than $10,000 to pay off the back rent. However, since then, Katie has not texted or called me or my dad. We have not heard from her in weeks. We are confused and, frankly, upset that our generosity is being rewarded with such behavior.

– Taken for granted

Dear Granted:

Perhaps Katie’s radio silence is a sign of executive dysfunction, which many neurodiverse people have. The prospect of thanking you and your dad for your help may seem like a daunting task, one that becomes more daunting as time goes on.

Whatever the reason, the easiest – and kindest – way to clear things up is to reach out and ask. You and Katie have a long history together. Something has happened on her side that’s messed it up. Maybe she’s overwhelmed, maybe it’s rudeness, maybe she’s embarrassed. Call her to reconnect. Find out what’s going on in her life. And as a friend, let her know how her behavior has affected you.

Dear Eric:

My only son died six months ago. I told everyone he died of heart problems, when in reality he died from long-term alcoholism. He was 35 and a very successful lawyer in New York City, as well as a philanthropist.

He did indeed have heart problems, but they were caused by his alcoholism. (Alcohol is a poison, but it doesn’t kill us because our liver detoxifies it. However, if you drink more than one or two drinks a day, the liver often can’t keep up and every organ in the body suffers over time.)

My excuse was to protect his reputation, because I wanted him to be remembered for all he did to make his part of the world a better place, not as a drinker. He was a high-functioning alcoholic, always on time and never missed work or a trial.

Now, some of my close friends are asking me to set the record straight, in the hope that others who are hiding their drug abuse will have the courage to seek help before the inevitable and sad consequences of long-term use take their toll. Should I tell his secret or not?

– In conflict with grief

Dear Conflicted:

There is a saying that many in recovery use: “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Alcoholism is a disease; for many, shame and secrecy allow the disease to fester, spread, and destroy. Your son’s illness can no longer harm him, and his secrets can no longer harm him.

So if you have the opportunity to tell the whole story and you feel comfortable doing so, take it.

Many grieving parents find some comfort in this. Search the internet for Casey Marie Schwartzmier’s 2017 obituary, which went viral because Schwartzmier’s parents captured her life, her vivacity, and her battle with addiction with incredible love and honesty. The obituary changed lives when it was published, and continues to do so years later.

But don’t do anything just to appease your friends. Your grieving process is the most important thing right now. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace and comfort.