If elected, Kamala Harris would not be the first president to also be a stepmother—that honor goes to President No. 1, George Washington, who was stepfather to his wife Martha’s two surviving children from her first marriage. And blended families in all their many forms are certainly nothing new in the White House, from the Reagans to the Trumps to the Bidens.
But on the second night of the Democratic National Convention, Harris and her modern family took center stage. On Tuesday night, the vice president’s husband, Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff, was introduced with a video produced by his ex-wife Kerstin Emhoff and narrated by their 29-year-old son Cole Emhoff.
In the video, Cole gives an overview of his “crazy” father’s childhood in New Jersey, his legal career and his reputation as a “crisis guy.” He then talks about his parents’ divorce and how his father got a second chance at love with Harris years later.
“My parents split up when I was in middle school, and that wasn’t easy,” Cole says. “That’s not easy for any kid. But it helped that my parents stayed friends and we all stayed together. We became closer than ever. And then he met Kamala – a blind date that would dramatically change all of our lives forever.” Harris and Doug Emhoff married in 2014, and “Kamala became Mamala” for Cole and his sister Ella Emhoff.
“We may not look like other families in the White House,” Cole says as a photo of his “patchwork family” flashes on the screen, “but we are ready to represent all families in America.”
Doug himself echoed this when he took the DNC stage shortly afterward. “Hello to my big, beautiful blended family up there,” Emhoff said as he greeted his loved ones in the crowd. “I love you so much!”
The emphasis on this blended family – and the presence of his ex-wife Kerstin, who was seen at the DNC cheering on her former husband and current partner – drew widespread approval on social media. “The co-parenting… The goals… The health in this blended family. Man. What could and should have been for so many kids,” read one comment. Another X user wrote, “I grew up in an incredible blended family where my dad, mom and stepmom always worked together. The Harris-Emhoffs look like my family.”
Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who works with families, told Yahoo Life while watching the DNC on Tuesday that she too was impressed by the seemingly close bond between Harris, Doug Emhoff, his ex-wife and their children.
“I thought, what a way to honor the whole idea of a blended family that has worked hard to make it work,” she says. “Nothing like this has ever been presented to this country in such a public way. I can’t think of an example like this.”
Greenberg points out, however, that in her practice, she does not often see divorced spouses and their new partners stick together for the benefit of their children – as the Harris-Emhoff crew did, or famous former couples like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner or Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.
“I really hate to say this, but it’s kind of an anomaly,” Greenberg says. “People are doing their best to make it work … and I really respect them. But usually there’s so much animosity left that it’s not common (to work together).”
That makes the blended family’s message all the more powerful, she adds. “Emhoff, his ex-wife and Kamala have something good going,” Greenberg notes. “That should be inspiring because that’s not typical.”
Erin Pash, CEO and founder of Ellie Mental Health and a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with blended and high-conflict families, has a different perspective. “Healthy blended families can look different depending on the family,” Pash tells Yahoo Life. “Some families are fully integrated and share parenting with all parents, and that’s healthy for those families. Other families keep things separate and are more businesslike, and that works for those families.” Most importantly, she adds, children caught in the crossfire aren’t exposed to “toxic stress and constant conflict.”
The vice president’s family is unique in one respect, Pash adds. “The most striking thing about the Emhoff-Harris family is that Kamala has no children that she brought into the blended family,” she notes.
“Blended families are usually more successful when both partners bring children into the relationship, as they have shared experiences and an understanding of the difficulties that come with being a parent,” Pash explains. “But these days, there are more families with this dynamic.” It is not uncommon these days, she says, for single people without children of their own to enter into marriage and “come to terms with being the happy middle ground of stepmother or stepfather.”
Both Greenberg and Pash have advice for anyone seeking a “we’re all in this together” relationship like the Democratic candidate advocates.
“I give this advice to families all the time,” Greenberg says. “Take it slow. Don’t force the relationships; let them develop. And to the new stepparents who come into the picture, don’t try to become a parent right away and set rules. … Let the relationship grow organically and take it slow. Be patient.”
Pash, meanwhile, recommends family therapy that includes stepparents. “Remarried parents are making decisions about their lives with their new partner,” she says. “If family therapy doesn’t include the new decision-makers, nothing gets done, which often leads to even more conflict and frustration in the co-parenting relationship. Families will have differing opinions and need a safe place to talk about the issues that arise. When people are no longer married or only know each other because of their spouse’s past, any ‘control’ that once existed is lost. This can cause a lot of stress, and people need to find a way to talk things out amicably, and often.”
Another tip: Make time for the children. “I tell parents and stepparents that they should plan 10 minutes per day for each child they have together,” says Pash. She also encourages all parents involved to meet regularly in a neutral room to discuss and solve any problems with the children.
“They need to communicate a lot and never make assumptions,” adds Pash. “That foundation of communication and problem-solving often creates the bond that builds friendship. Blended families can grow closer over time if they choose to.”
Regardless of whether one supports them politically or not, the Harris-Emhoff family is a “shining example of what can be achieved when people focus on their future and do what is best for everyone involved, rather than dwelling on the past and seeking revenge.”
