DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who I occasionally invite to lunch. I often pay the bill.
When she comes home to her husband, he is upset because she doesn’t bring him anything. He says to my friend, “That’s what partners do.”
Abby, these people don’t lack food or the means to get it. Neither of them is starving, and he doesn’t bring her anything when he goes out.
What do you think about it?
— DO NOT BUY FOR TWO
DON’T BUY: Next time you invite this friend to lunch and she asks if she can order something for her husband, tell her that it is fine with you, but his share of the bill will be on her.
PS And if that’s “what partners do for each other,” it shouldn’t be a one-way street. What a manipulator!
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a daughter, “Rebecca,” whom I gave up for adoption as a teenager. In short, we are reunited.
Not only do we have a wonderful relationship, but I have a great relationship with Rebecca’s adoptive mother, and my husband and children (with my husband) all have an open and caring relationship with her.
Fast forward to my last visit with Rebecca. She and I were out and about and happened to run into a friend of hers. She introduced me by saying, “This is Sally, my birth mother.” I had no problem with that and was warmly welcomed by her friend (who I think actually knew quite a bit of the “backstory”).
Later thoughts, however, led me here: If the situation were reversed and I introduced her to someone, what would I say? There is no term for our “status.” I consider her my daughter, but most people who have known me and my husband for about 30 years don’t know that I had a child as a teenager.
I love Rebecca, who is now 50. Why isn’t there a term that describes who she is to me (without long explanations)? I feel like this relationship needs a term too.
— REUNITED IN LOUISIANA
DEAR REUNITED: Try this: When introducing your daughter to someone who doesn’t know her yet, say, “I’d like you to meet my eldest daughter, Rebecca.”
DEAR ABBY: I’m 43 and have been talking to this guy for seven months. We agree that we are not together and we are best friends with benefits.
But it seems like we spend all our time together and like we’re basically dating, but without the title.
How do I get this commitment-phobe to understand that we should be together without actually telling him? That would scare him away.
— LACK OF STATUS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MISSING: To you, being with this guy is like dating. To him, it’s a friendship with benefits. Nothing will change unless the two of you can have an honest conversation.
If he deals with this by walking away after seven months, then he’s really not the one you’re looking for. I’m sorry.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
