DEAR ERIC: My husband and I are about to celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary. My husband sends Amazon gift cards to other women in exchange for sexual favors. Usually these favors consist of sexting. I’ve caught him doing this a few times recently.
We are retired people on a fixed income. We can’t afford this at all. He usually uses my money for such ventures. I am 68, my husband is 60. Do you consider this sexting cheating, even if it doesn’t involve physical contact?
– Frustrated wife
DEAR WIFE: Cheating is anything that goes against the rules of your relationship. Your husband may not be sure what you both agreed to—sexting didn’t exist 27 years ago, after all—but I think he’s just trying to rip you off.
Relationships rely on clear communication and trust, so even if he has needs he can’t meet, it’s his responsibility to share them with you before he logs onto Amazon and fires up the sext machine.
If you can limit his access to your money, you should. He is not being responsible. Tell him why you are doing this – you can’t afford it and you are not comfortable with the sexts. Even if the sexts were free, you both need to be on the same page before you can move forward.
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DEAR ERIC: I was married and the relationship ended. He was dishonest and cheated on me. I was angry and sad. That was about eight years ago. We have no ties (children, pets, etc.) and I told him that because of the way he treated me, I didn’t think a friendship was possible at that time.
It took me a while to get over it all, but it’s okay now.
However, we are godparents to his friends’ daughter. I am in contact with the family and they have kindly invited me to her bat mitzvah.
I’m not sure if I should accept the invitation since I assume he will be there and they are technically his friends.
I think I may be exaggerating, but I haven’t had to see him since the divorce. Should I decline the invitation since they are his friends first and foremost?
– Not ready to celebrate
DEAR CELEBRATE: If you are still close with your goddaughter’s family and it would hurt them not to have you there, you should leave. You don’t have to interact with your ex. You don’t even have to talk to him if you don’t want to. You are there for her.
But if it feels like a superficial invitation, feel free to decline.
It’s been a long time since your wedding. Things may be over, but you should be careful about how you react. If it still feels bad, let bygones be bygones.
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(Please send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.)
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