Man gives his sister $500 for a traditional wedding, but only $100 to his runaway sister

Giving wedding gifts is one of the most subtle aspects of big-day etiquette, and for many friends and family members, the most stressful part of attending a celebration. How much do you give? What are the implications of cost? Do certain types of events deserve a larger cash gift than others? These are the questions one man is currently facing in the wake of a twisted family dilemma he recently shared in the Reddit thread “Am I the A______?” In short: The man gave one of his sisters a $500 cash gift for her “traditional” wedding, which he attended with his wife and kids — and gave his other sister, who eloped, a $100 gift card to a home improvement store a few years later. Now the sister who received the lesser amount is hurt, and her brother is starting to question whether he was wrong to tailor those gifts to the types of events his sisters throw.

In his post, which has been upvoted over 7,000 times and received nearly 3,000 comments, the man began by explaining his unique relationship with his siblings. “My parents had me when they were very young, are still together now and later had two more children, my sisters Katie and Jess. I am 15 and 17 years older than them respectively. Because of the age difference we didn’t really grow up together and sometimes I feel more like an uncle to them than a big brother,” he wrote. “I’ve been lucky to be relatively successful in my career and I’ve usually been pretty generous to them when it comes to things like birthdays, Christmas and graduations.”

When Katie got married two summers ago, she threw a standard celebration for 125 guests. According to her brother, the event, which he attended with his wife and two children, was expensive. “I don’t know how much they spent, but I know my parents and her husband could only contribute about half of the cost. My sister and her husband paid the rest,” he wrote. “They were super cool and let me and my wife bring our two children, even though I later found out the venue charged the same for kids and adults, for the food and everything. It meant a lot to me and I didn’t want their attendance to be a burden, so my wife and I gave them $500 as a wedding gift to pay for our plates, plus a little extra.”

Jess, who he describes as “more low-key,” had a different vision for her wedding. “When she got engaged, she told us all she was probably going to elope, and no one tried to convince her otherwise because it made sense to her. They’re not flashy and always seemed pretty frugal, definitely not the type to throw a big wedding that costs tens of thousands,” he said. “A few weeks ago, they announced they were eloping in the mountains, just them and the necessary witnesses. I was happy for them and didn’t feel like I missed out on anything. I’ve been to enough weddings that I’m not afraid of anything. I’m just glad they had what felt right for them.”

Since the couple hadn’t had a formal wedding, the Redditor didn’t think a typical cash gift was necessary. “But they had just closed the deal on their first home together, so my wife and I gave them a $100 gift card to Home Depot,” he said. “I remember when I bought my first home, they had tons of home improvement supplies and I drove there about 100 times, so I thought this would be a nice gift.”

This apparently didn’t please Jess, who eventually asked her sister what her brother had given her and her husband for their wedding. “She told them and now (Jess) has a certain opinion about our gift to her. She made a comment about how she felt her marriage wasn’t being respected enough because they didn’t have a big party and said it felt like I was favoring her,” the man wrote. “I told her I would have given Katie more because she hosted my whole family and I know how expensive that is since I paid for my own wedding. Jess kind of rolled her eyes after that conversation and walked away and we haven’t spoken about it since. That was last Sunday.”

Now the man who “thought people would understand that the situations were just different” is wondering if he made a faux pas with the wedding gifts. His opinion? “It’s unreasonable to expect the same generosity when you don’t show generosity (read: entertain and entertain people) by not having a traditional wedding and not inviting us to celebrate with them,” he wrote. “But I may be wrong, so I wanted to hear some neutral opinions.”

After speaking out on Reddit, he received conflicting responses. While most commenters gave him the “NTA” badge, some didn’t always agree with his reasoning or methods. “No one is ever entitled to a gift or a gift worth a certain amount of money, but I can completely understand that giving your sister a monetary gift of a size significantly less than what you gave the other sister for the exact same occasion would be seen as a sort of middle finger. So I can’t say she’s the a______ for being offended,” one person wrote. “I don’t understand or share your view that wedding gifts are a reward for being invited to the reception in the first place, but you had the right to make that decision, so I can’t say you’re the A______.”

Others agreed with him completely and pointed to the principle of wedding etiquette that one can technically not must give a gift if you are not invited to a wedding. “You are right, there are different expectations that come with a secret wedding. Formal etiquette demands a nice gift if you go to a wedding and does not expect a gift if you were not there,” wrote one user. “It is nice to give a gift if you want to, but it is expected to be smaller than what you would have given at a wedding – just like you did.” Another commenter, who was also secretly married, completely agreed. “My wife and I eloped. Months later, my mom asked if we were going to have an open house. We never did, and we didn’t expect the family to give us anything. That’s just what happens when you elope and don’t have a traditional wedding,” this user added.

However, some Reddit users noted that including the price per plate or the couple’s total expenses on the big day in the wedding gift amount was an outdated practice – and that he should have instead based his gift on his relationship with his sister and what he could reasonably afford. “People don’t realize how expensive a wedding will be. People are at all different stages of life. When I was 21 and a wedding guest, I would have had a hard time covering the cost of attending a fancy wedding. The same goes for a loved one who is disabled or going back to school. Are they then excluded from the wedding because the couple chose steak?” this person wrote. “A wedding gift should reflect how close you are to the couple and your own finances, and is not influenced by the amount of flowers at the ceremony. She’s your sister. Regardless of the celebration, it’s best to treat her fairly and equally. You’re celebrating the wedding and helping them start their new life. You’re not buying meals.”