Dear Eric: My husband and I do not want to give our children material gifts for their birthdays or Christmas. We would recommend donations to their 529 accounts or “experiences.”
We still want to have birthday parties with decorations and cakes – they are one and a half and four years old. For us, giving presents on certain days is a must, and even well-behaved children learn to expect them. We would rather give presents all year round and consider it a sign of maturity.
We face extreme reactions from family members. My mother grew up in a culture where birthdays were not celebrated, so she always wanted to make a big deal out of her grandchildren’s birthdays.
My husband’s family is very traditional. We had a huge Christmas debacle years ago when we asked not to receive gifts as we were living abroad at the time. We were given a lavish gift card and decided to return it on principle, but it wasn’t a pretty sight afterward.
Should we blindly follow traditions just to keep the peace? Are we bad parents if we try to avoid materialism and change expectations around gifts? Should we continue to allow people to give gifts on their terms just to make them happy? But if we let everyone do what they want, when they want, how can we incorporate our views into raising our children in the way we think is best?
– Current outliers
Dear Outliers: In your desire to be responsible parents—which is commendable—you may also be trying to enable your parents to educate.
What may You control in this situation and what is necessary for you to control? Your children, especially the youngest ones, are still young enough that if a grandparent comes by with a wrapped package, you simply don’t have to give it to them, or you can save it for a time other than a birthday, depending on your parenting style.
I fear this is more about family dynamics than parenting, given the gift card debacle that happened before the kids were born. Part of it is about principles, but just as much about seeing the relationships for what they are and communicating from a productive perspective.
Trying to get your family’s full approval will not get you anywhere. You’ve set the limit, so stop arguing with them about it. Focus on what’s possible.
Given all these parameters, is it clear to your people when they should give material gifts? If that never happens, that’s fine. But if there’s an opportunity to give them some during the year, tell them specifically when.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.
