What about excitement in the sauna?

I hired a personal trainer before I told my wife I was no longer right for her. You need abs and muscle tone if you want to have a chance with a woman in her twenties.

I’m a big Tinder user, and I don’t mean to brag, but there’s a market out there for a 42-year-old muscle man who can borrow his brother’s Maserati.

I never thought I’d say this, but there is such a thing as too much sex – so for now I’ve settled for this overall score from Rochestown Rd.

My friends are completely devastated, she is 26, and everyone is starting to wonder what they have done wrong in their lives.

The problem is her girlfriends. They’re hot and I’d probably sleep with them if it weren’t for the whole oat milk and sober-curious lifestyle.

We’re going to the Electric Picnic this weekend and honestly, I’d rather lick the sweat of a woman from Mayo.

I’m starting to think that I might be better off if I were back with my wife. How can I win her back?

— Ed, Douglas

Bad news. Your wife has found someone new. Let’s just say she enjoys licking the sweat off a mayo woman.

Greetings from beautiful West Cork.

My Ken and I have been down here all summer with the kids, in a little cove outside Crookhaven. We think Crook has gone a bit too much towards Ballinlough for our liking, no offence Audrey.

It’s working out great: Ken Range Rover comes to the office twice a week and I do a bit of life coaching over Zoom, but other than that, life has been, as they say, rosy and we have great friends down here.

One of them, Ken as it turned out, announced the other night that he was finished with Cork City and that he and Trudy were moving permanently to West Cork as they were sure they had the money.

Didn’t my Ken turn to me in bed later that night? Now we’re dealing with his dirty thoughts, but no, it was much worse. He wants to leave Cork and move to Schull!

Now excuse me – I’m a big fan of oysters and Chablis in late August on a yacht with some of the top families from Blackrock Rd.

But I don’t feel like making small talk with some hippie who stinks of white sage in West Cork in November when I could be drinking Negronis with Lorna G at Hayfield Manor.

My Ken suggested we split up for the winter so I could go back to town. Do you think he would find out if I was having an affair?

— Monica, Castle Rd (not my real name.)

Hello Sarah, I would recognize you anywhere. I also know your Ken like the back of my hand, he won’t have a problem with you playing away.

Come on, what about the excitement in the sauna?

The Old Doll is a nightmare for anything new, so when she heard there was one of these mobile sauna yolks on every beach in East Cork, she just had to take a tour.

And Dowcha Donie here had to drive because she likes a glass of cava after swimming. We drove off anyway, to Garryvoe, into the water, into the sauna and chatted to a very nice Danish couple who are on holiday here.

The old doll was acting a little silly with the Cava, which was a good thing because let’s just say there was a certain stiffness down there and if you’d seen the Danish one you’d have known why – it was like sitting across from Cameron Diaz.

Then we went to Inch, swimming, sauna, this time we ended up with a local couple. Hers was in her 60s and reminded her more of my Aunt Betty than Cameron Diaz, but try telling that to my wedding tackle, it started loud and proud again.

What’s wrong with me?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin is a sex expert, although her husband claims they only do it twice a month. I called her there and asked, “What would you say to an aroused Norrie in the sauna?” She said, “Oh, that’s a difficult question.” (Soc.)

I started dating this guy from Clonmel.

My mother is devastated. She keeps saying, “The money we spent sending you to Scoil Mhuire is wasted.”

I keep telling her it’s pretty posh for South Tipperary, so she invited us over for dinner on Sunday.

I am confident he will pass, but there is one problem: he says “owned” and not “owned”.

I asked him about it, but he said that people in Clonmel had always said “owned” instead of “owned”, that it was part of their culture and that I had excluded him. Pretty sensitive?

But what can I do? How should I explain this to my mother, she will probably ask if he owns a house?

— Clíona, Bishopstown.

I called my friend, the speech teacher there, and asked her if people from Clonmel really say “owned”. She said not really. I asked why. She said most of them don’t actually own anything.