Dear Eric, Since the beginning of the pandemic, some relatives have chosen to distance themselves from the rest of my immediate family. We saw each other every weekend on time for years, and then they disappeared without explanation. There were no attempts to contact them whatsoever.
Of course, this dynamic no longer includes gifts or greeting cards. Last year, I learned that three of these now distant relatives were in constant contact with each other.
To reconnect, I sent each of them a simple birthday gift to show them they were loved and thought of. None of them thanked me for the gifts I sent them.
As you noted in one of your previous columns, sometimes I feel like no answer is an answer.
This year I only sent a short text message with happy birthday wishes. Yes, you guessed it: you acknowledged my text message! Message received: You prefer not to participate in gifts.
But then I have to ask myself this puzzle: They don’t acknowledge my gifts, we barely speak to each other, and yet they send me hundreds of dollars for my birthday and Christmas? What is going on here?
– To give or not to give
Dear Give, the unexpected twist at the end of your question really grabbed me! Hundreds of dollars? Oh my God!
These relatives may think that they are not as far away as you think. Money makes the world go round, but sometimes it murmurs. Ask your relatives for a translation.
Try a phone call. “We haven’t been in touch for a while. Has something happened and if so, can we resolve the issue?” Since they’re sending a bunch of money, they might think everything is OK.
The fact that the break occurred during the pandemic could also be a clue here. Relationships could easily get out of sync and some have not recovered from that. It was also a tense time politically, so perhaps someone in your immediate family posted something online that the more distant relatives did not like.
Judging by the gifts, they clearly had you in mind. Talk to them and find out exactly what they think.
Dear Eric: The abandoned grandmother was hurt because she sent money to her grandchildren and never heard back. I don’t have that problem because I communicate with the younger children in my life through social media and money transfers through apps.
When a grandchild posts a picture of themselves out with friends, I send them $25 through a money app and say something like, “Enjoy a glass of wine on me!” I always get a thank you text, often immediately, sometimes with a selfie and a later phone call where they talk about friends, activities, etc.
– Grandma from social media
Dear Grandma: That’s very generous! And very creative! Cheers!
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.
